Holding on

I don’t normally explain my art. I prefer for the audience to come up with their own story, their own feelings, and that’s that. Some art pieces don’t stem from anything deep; they just come from my joy to create and my wild imagination.

I’ve been consuming art, shows, games, books, and all kinds of media since I was a kid. So there’s this world in my head, constantly mixing and matching everything I’ve ever seen. But some pieces do have a backstory. They come from experiences, feelings, and deep expression. “Holding On” is one of those pieces.

This piece was created at a time when I wasn’t in a good place. I was in a romantic relationship with someone who didn’t treat me well. I was anxious all the time, in pain, and constantly worried, to the point of self-harm. It was an on-and- off again situation. They would breadcrumb me, go hot and cold, ignore me, then suddenly love-bomb me.

At that time, I hadn’t learned what love looked like to me, or how to love myself. I didn’t know what healthy love looked like in practice with a partner. Growing up, the adults around me displayed the same kind of “love”. That chaos felt normal. I didn’t know what it meant to truly love yourself, to choose yourself, not out of trauma or safety, but out of love and respect.

Through that relationship, I met the worst part of myself. I never hated anyone more. I was disappointed in myself for staying so long, for expecting better treatement when I wasn’t giving that same care to myself. There came a point when I had to face myself, to sit with that version of me, and then let her go.

That’s where this piece came to be. “Holding On” represents the ugly parts of me, the one facing away, but still holding on, because they’re still a part of me. Still part of my story. Still beautiful in their uglyiness. I hold on as a reminder of how far I’ve come.

In the illustration, we’re both being cleansed in water filled with beautiful fish and flowers. It’s a soft space, we’re together. Both versions of me: the past and the future, the beautiful and the ugly, the hurt and the love, all floating through life side by side.

I used to feel ashamed of who I was, for how much I let someone’s actions control me. I forgot I always had a choice. My insecurities has me in a chokehold. I look back now with sad eyes, but I also look at myself now and feel proud of how far I’ve come.

That time built my empathy. It helped me understandd the human experience a little more, even when it didn’t feel human. Sometimes I didn’t see myself as human, but as that frog, something strange but resilient. I had the strength to leave many times, but I felt too ugly, too mean, too unworthy.

This piece became my reminder, my peace. It helped me move past so much. Therapy, healing, community, learning to love myself, all of it began with that moment, my art.

I’m not sure if this is what you see when you look at “Holding On”, and I hope telling my story doesn’t change your experience with it. I still want you to feel whatever you feel when you see it.

I’m curious though, what do you see in “Holding On”?
Can you relate to my story? Or does it spark something else in you?
Let me now in the comments below.