Healing, Choice, and the Making of Crystal’s Portrait

I want to share a little about the inspiration behind the painting, Crystal’s Portrait.

I made this piece back in 2018. At the time, I wanted to work bigger. Usually, I keep my work small because of space, but I thought, why not just paint on the floor? I had my setup, a big drawing board with paper taped down, paints in a box, and I’d chip away at it before or after work, little by little.

The first spark for this piece came from my love for body modification. Fun fact: I used to have my cheeks pierced, which is why I have dimples now. But beyond piercings and tattoos, I’ve always been drawn to the different ways people use controlled pain as a kind of healing. Things like hook suspension, bondage, piercings, tattoos, all of it fascinates me. I’ve tried them all myself, and for me, they’ve been powerful, healing experiences.

The expression in the painting connects to something I really believe: there’s so much beauty in the human face. In every kind of expression, the good, the bad, the ugly. A face can be like clay, folding and shifting in an instant. I love how skin wrinkles, how blood rises and changes its color, how a calm expression can suddenly transform.

To make this piece, I actually did an outreach asking folks to send me pictures of themselves making extreme expressions, funny, angry, sad, distrusting, whatever. Crystal volunteered, and her series of portraits stood out to me. I loved one expression in particular, and that became Crystal’s Portrait. I’ve still got more drawings in mind from that project, and I might open it up again for more volunteers.

As someone who practices these modalities, I wanted to create something in the world that reflects my love and appreciation for them. I get that it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, and I’ve had plenty of conversations about whether this kind of practice is “self-harm.” For me, I always think of it as a “yes and.” Yes, it is a form of harm; you’re inflicting pain on the body, but self-harm isn’t only physical. We can harm ourselves emotionally, mentally, through what we consume, the choices we make, and the things we ignore.

For me, choosing to cause pain in a controlled way actually helped me reconnect with my body. There was a long time when I didn’t feel safe in my own skin. Because of things that happened, at different times and in different ways, I ended up so disconnected I didn’t care about my body at all. I lived in survival mode, numb, often having out-of-body experiences like I was just watching life happen to someone else.

Tattoos and piercings helped me feel back inside myself again. So did yoga, breathwork, and meditation, but sometimes I needed something stronger. When I tried hook suspension for the first time, it was on my 33rd birthday, and honestly, it changed my life. That moment gave me a kind of clarity and connection I can’t describe, and I knew it would be a part of my practice moving forward.

I’m not saying everyone should try it. There are so many other ways to reconnect with yourself, cupping, acupuncture, and movement practices. You don’t have to go to extremes to feel safe in your body. The point is that there are different ways available, and it’s about what feels right for you.

To me, the real power is in choice. I didn’t know how to heal at first, but I knew I had to try something different. So I tried. I went in with a clear mind and the intention to heal, to take back control, to do it on my own terms. And that choice, the act of choosing for myself, was what started to heal me.

So, that’s where this piece comes from. My healing journey, my tools, my process.

I hope this gives you a deeper connection to Crystal’s Portrait. This series has been healing for me and has inspired many more works I want to create. If you love this piece and want to claim it, she’s available, just message me at
bunnyleeworld@gmail.com.

Also, Crystal’s Portrait shirt pre-orders are open from September 15th to September 29th. You can click the link for all the details!